I sincerely don't want to be the focus of anyone's attention right now when you're here wearing bones you weren't before, acting strangely, and having just returned from falling from heaven.
I don't want to talk about me-- or my stupid, self-inflicted horrible day, or whatever you think I was doing by allowing myself to be touched by you, or anything like that, because it truly isn't important. I invited you here because I wanted to see you, Silfda. Maybe to try to help, if you wanted it. Give you anything you might have wanted, too. This isn't about me.
Should I try honourably in battle? I've done so thousands of times before, for thousands of years. It never worked, either. I was hoping stepping out on something that's at least somewhat my own terms would do anything.
Cypress, with all due respect - you're too young. Almost everyone here is. As I said, sometimes all you need to do is be there for someone. And I deeply, deeply appreciate that you're here for me.
But that's the most you can do. My problems aren't ones anyone should be burdened with. Even from the point of view where I'm a human girl and not a beast and a weapon, well, it's still best to let sleeping dogs lie. There's only one thing that will save me, and that is my purpose. Everything else is temporary. It always has been. That doesn't mean it's not important - those temporary moments of happiness mean the world to me, because I can forget for a second what's to come.
You - you haven't been around as long, and you won't last as long. Your moments of happiness are more important, Cypress. And if that doesn't help you understand, understand this: my problems bring me misery. Dwelling on solving the unsolvable is painful. So I'd rather focus on what I can do, not what I have done. And what I can do is help the people around me to live, laugh, and be merry. That is what I am for.
Everyone deserves to be loved, and I was made to provide that love. And I do love you, Cypress, more than many others. So - speaking with you, spending time with you, learning about you, caring about even your pettiest, most self-inflicted troubles - that is what brings me happiness. Not being worried over when I've violated an order from my Master and damned myself for the third time in all of the time I've existed.
Everyone in this place doesn't seem to-- feel the same way about this stuff that I do. And that's... fine. I just... need to severely adjust my expectations.
[ they still sound a bit haggard, but they let their tail brush gently against her, reaching up to cup her cheek in a hand. when they continue speaking, it's clear and rhythmic, almost like they're singing. ]
I've said this before, and I will say it once more. This beast loves everyone, true - that is what it was made to do. But some are more loved than others, for their presence serves to soothe its hunger.
For pleasure or for comfort, I am used to being used and I had assumed you wanted the same as the others. This was my mistake - one I promise I shall never in the future make. But remember, that mistake does not change this fact: I put all of my heart into every moment I spend with you, and in every moment so spent my beastliness is eschewed.
I love everyone, Cypress. And more than that, I love you.
how do you respond to that when you're practically incapable of viewing yourself as loveable by any measure and the idea that someone would actually love you is so unbelievable you can't even formulate a polite response as you normally would in an awkward situation because your brain has short-circuited entirely and there's only a single braincell left to function, at all,
she's tense, in the way a frightened animal might be, and staring at silfda with wide, confused eyes.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
beautifulend) wrote2026-09-03 08:03 pm
Re: sometime early 317
I don't want to talk about me-- or my stupid, self-inflicted horrible day, or whatever you think I was doing by allowing myself to be touched by you, or anything like that, because it truly isn't important. I invited you here because I wanted to see you, Silfda. Maybe to try to help, if you wanted it. Give you anything you might have wanted, too. This isn't about me.
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I jumped because I wanted to die, Cypress.
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That's a-- crap way to want to die.
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nor does she speak, apparently unable to find anything to say. ]
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But that's the most you can do. My problems aren't ones anyone should be burdened with. Even from the point of view where I'm a human girl and not a beast and a weapon, well, it's still best to let sleeping dogs lie. There's only one thing that will save me, and that is my purpose. Everything else is temporary. It always has been. That doesn't mean it's not important - those temporary moments of happiness mean the world to me, because I can forget for a second what's to come.
You - you haven't been around as long, and you won't last as long. Your moments of happiness are more important, Cypress. And if that doesn't help you understand, understand this: my problems bring me misery. Dwelling on solving the unsolvable is painful. So I'd rather focus on what I can do, not what I have done. And what I can do is help the people around me to live, laugh, and be merry. That is what I am for.
Everyone deserves to be loved, and I was made to provide that love. And I do love you, Cypress, more than many others. So - speaking with you, spending time with you, learning about you, caring about even your pettiest, most self-inflicted troubles - that is what brings me happiness. Not being worried over when I've violated an order from my Master and damned myself for the third time in all of the time I've existed.
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I want a hug.
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hesitates, a moment... then sort of sags, tiredly, but moves forward to hug them in the same motion. ]
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Sorry.
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[ shifts a little to settle back on the bed with them, head against their shoulder. ]
... it's fine. You don't have to apologize.
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It's not your fault I-- deluded myself. You didn't do anything wrong.
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Into thinking this was-- something else.
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[ softly, now, her grip tightening a little. ]
Everyone in this place doesn't seem to-- feel the same way about this stuff that I do. And that's... fine. I just... need to severely adjust my expectations.
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[ they still sound a bit haggard, but they let their tail brush gently against her, reaching up to cup her cheek in a hand. when they continue speaking, it's clear and rhythmic, almost like they're singing. ]
I've said this before, and I will say it once more. This beast loves everyone, true - that is what it was made to do. But some are more loved than others, for their presence serves to soothe its hunger.
For pleasure or for comfort, I am used to being used and I had assumed you wanted the same as the others. This was my mistake - one I promise I shall never in the future make. But remember, that mistake does not change this fact: I put all of my heart into every moment I spend with you, and in every moment so spent my beastliness is eschewed.
I love everyone, Cypress. And more than that, I love you.
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how do you respond to that when you're practically incapable of viewing yourself as loveable by any measure and the idea that someone would actually love you is so unbelievable you can't even formulate a polite response as you normally would in an awkward situation because your brain has short-circuited entirely and there's only a single braincell left to function, at all,
she's tense, in the way a frightened animal might be, and staring at silfda with wide, confused eyes.
when she finally does speak, her voice is dry. ]
M... me?
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1/2
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